Areas of Unrest

16 June 1999 - Really Useful Super Powers

Today I had a discussion about comic books with one of the Air Force officers I work with, hence the subject of this entry. One of my favorite questions for getting to know people is what super power they'd want to have. If you didn't spend your childhood absorbed in DC Comics and your adulthood absorbed in folklore, I suppose the question is a tough one. Which is why the usual answers are so unimaginative - flying is usually the first choice, with stuff like super strength, super speed, and invisibility coming up now and again. I like invisibility, too, since I'm insecure enough to like the idea of being able to eavesdrop on what people say about me. But what I am thinking about is that there are hundreds of other powers out there that nobody ever opts for.

One of the comics that I liked a lot as a kid was The Legion of Super Heroes. Now, some of the members of the legion had generic powers - Superboy was a Legionairre and there was a similar fellow named something like Mon-El. Then there were ones with reasonable powers. Lightning Lad could shoot bolts of lightning from his hands, Shrinking Violet could make herself tiny to creep into things and Brainiac 5 had super intelligence (and cool green skin; I had a crush on him from the ages of roughly 9 through 14). Karate Kid didn't have a power, per se, but was a karate expert. My favorite was Element Boy who could turn himself into any chemical element. But there were several whose powers seem rather silly or useless. Bouncing Boy could blow up into a sort of beachball shape and bounce onto criminals, for example. Light Lass could make things ultra-light, which could be useful now and then but, since she started out as Lightning Lass (she was Lightning Lad's sister) it must have been quite a come-down.

All of these powers are useful primarily for fighting master criminals, though. Which just doesn't seem to come up in my life very often. What we need are superheroes with powers that can conquer the hassles of our day to day lives. Cleaning an entire apartment with a single breath, leaping tall stacks of paperwork in a single bound - those are the powers I need.

As it happens, I know people who actually do have useful powers. For example, I dated a guy for a while who had a magical connection to perfect parking spots. Noon on a hot day at Venice Beach, the Sunset Strip on Saturday night, shopping malls the day before Christmas - it didn't matter at all to him since someone would inevitably be pulling out just before he arrived. This power probably kept the relationship going three times longer than it otherwise would have lasted.

Then there's my brother. Elliot looks like a mild-mannered computer programmer, but he has the amazing ability to be an instant regular at any business he frequents. Even the very first time he goes to a restaurant, all of the staff treats him as if he went there every day for the past two years. This may seem like a minor power but he gets amazing service and sometimes even gets free coffee.

Come to think of it, I also have a minor power. I have the ability to settle into places faster than anyone else I know. I can arrive somewhere I've never been to before and, within an hour, I feel completely at home. I tend to think that this is just a matter of my willingness to explore randomly and paying attention, but it probably looks magical to other people. A really useful power that would supplement this would be the ability to instantly speak any language. (Another power I'd like would be the ability to instantly know how to play any musical instrument I take a fancy to.)

If I didn't feel comfortable in unfamiliar places, I think my life would be complete hell. I have tons of travel (both business and personal) coming up in the next couple of months. After trying to deal with our airline restrictions at work, which add an entire extra day to an upcoming trip to Huntsville, Alabama, maybe the power to fly would be a useful one after all. But it wouldn't work for most people - Superman never had to check his luggage!