Areas of Unrest

23 September 1999 - In Which a Survey Proves My Antiquity

QOTD: "The same kimono / the top geishas are wearing - / got it at Loehmann's." - David M. Bader, Haikus for Jews

Reading: Reginald Hill, On Beulah Height

Listening to: Lotte Lenya singing Kurt Weill songs (a CD forced on me by my boss in an attempt to get even with me for lending him Back Tuva Future)

I was going to write all sorts of exciting things, but I am tired and it is far easier to cheat by using the latest survey making the journal rounds as the basis for an entry instead. So, here goes:

1. Would you rather look gorgeous and be retarded, or look retarded and be a genius?

If I were really retarded, would I even know whether or not I looked gorgeous or fully appreciate my gorgeousosity? If I were really a genius, would I even worry about whether I looked "retarded"? I like to think I'd be above all those petty concerns. Which is my excuse for not doing something about my hair. So, yes, the latter.
2. If you could bitchslap one actor/actress, who would it be?

I hate Bruce Willis, but not nearly as much as I hate the word "bitchslap".
3. If you could bitchslap one musician, who would it be?

I find Bernadette Peters truly annoying, but not as annoying as I find the word "bitchslap".
4. If you could bitchslap one relative, who would it be?

The first one who used as sexist and demeaning a word as "bitchslap" in my presence.
5. If you had to make-out with one relative, who would it be?

Here is where I get clever and instead of just being outraged like everybody else remind you that there is a family of man and if you go back far enough we are all related. Basically this means I can make-out with anyone at all I want to. And while there are plenty of cute enough celebrities of all sorts, the chemistry between Robert and me is still pretty damn powerful.
6. You see a spider on your wall, what do you do?

It depends on what type of spider. If it's a normal spider, I pick it up and put it outside. If it's a black widow or brown recluse, I put on gloves first.
7. Washing your privates in the shower: the lean or the fast hand-o'-water transfer?

A washcloth with the lean for rinsing.
8. David Blaine or David Copperfield?

I have no idea who David Blaine is. And David Copperfield is a character in a novel by Charles Dickens, who I didn't like much but who didn't deserve having his name stolen by a magician. So, the latter.
9. You need to do laundry desperately, do you wear dirty underwear or no underwear?

Dirty underwear turned inside out so the relatively cleaner side is next to my skin
10. Julia Roberts: growing more and more beautiful, or more and more odd-looking?

Most notions of beauty are rather odd. I've never seen her sans makeup and airbrushing so I have no idea what she really looks like.
11. Favorite cussword / phrase?

Xxylophagous troglodyte. I know you don't think it's a cussword but most people don't know what it means so they react as if I called them something worse than a wood-eating cavedweller.
12. Letterman or Leno?

I am sound asleep by that time and, were I ever to dream of talk show hosts, I am sure I would have the good taste to dream of Dick Cavett.
13. Scientologists: quietly creepy or totally wacko?

My guess is the leadership is creepy and most of the followers are wacko, but that is true of almost any group whose principles are radically different from my own.
14. Siegfried or Roy?

I'm not sure which is which, but I usually root for the tiger.
15. What do you desire sexually that you're too embarrassed to ever request?

Anything too embarrassing to request of someone I am intimate with is too embarrassing to publish on my web page.
16. Maria Conchita Alonso or Rae Dawn Chong?

I actually own a video by Maria Conchita Alonso. It's an exercise video. It's the closest thing to a pornographic exercise video I can imagine. It's also a damn good workout. While, about all I know about Rae Dawn Chong is that she's the daughter of the Chong who worked with Cheech. Maria wins by default.
17. Gayest cartoon character: Mickey Mouse or Christopher Robin?

Hmmm, I always thought it was Pluto.
18. You're depressed: do you drink, cover your pain with humor, or take it out on the person closest to you?

I throw myself across my bed sobbing wildly and make a lot of long-distance phone calls, most of which sound like tryouts for the Olympic power-kvetching team.
19. Favorite Sutherland: Kiefer or Donald?

This is tough but having been in a vampire movie gives Kiefer the edge. Frank Langella was still the sexiest Dracula, though.
20. Favorite Corey: Haim, Feldman, or Hart?

I'm not exactly sure who any of them are or were. Can I put in a vote for Richard Corey?
21. Mary-Kate or Ashley?

They're identical twins, right? Do you think I have a clue as to which is which?
22. Do you spend a lot of time surfing the Net because you're scared of people, or because people are scared of you?

I don't spend a lot of time surfing the net, but people are scared of me anyway.
23. What do you sing instead of "pompatus of love" in Steve Miller's "The Joker"?

I mostly sing Gilbert and Sullivan songs instead of "The Joker".
24. Best bets in a "death pool"; (pick 3): Andy Dick, Robert Downey Jr., Nell Carter, ex-Pogue Shane McGowan, Ronald Reagan, rock group Hanson, Salman Rushdie, Bob Hope, John Popper, Scott Weiland, Mr. T, golfer John Daly, or that girl from Blossom?

I'm guessing that a death pool is to guess who would die first. Ronald Reagan is old enough that one has to vote for him and I guess Bob Hope meets that criterion too. And doesn't Mr. T have some dreadful disease? Or is that wishful thinking on my part? I should also note that I have no idea who John Popper or Scott Weiland are.
25. It's 4pm, your husband calls from work to say he's bringing his boss over for dinner! What do you prepare?

I prepare the time machine to take me home because I'd have to have gone back 40 years in time to ever be in such a dilemma. Then I order a pizza.
26. Is a dart board really such a bad wedding gift?

Yes. Unless both bride and groom are world class competitors.
27. Your ass or your elbow?

My elbow is far more attractive. But you should really see my left shoulder blade.
28. Favorite Wu-Tang Clansman?

I couldn't even name one.
29. Will Billy Idol ever make a successful comeback?

Probably, given how many other unlikely people have.
30. Let's just say you're walking home drunk very late from a bar in Madison Wisconsin last week and you see a hundred dollar bill on the ground so you pick it up. A minute later, a very anxious-looking hippie comes by, searching all over the street for something, muttering about "not being able to pay rent". Are you like totally going to hell if you kept the money, planning to spend it at a titty bar in Vegas this weekend?

Yes. But if you can really pay rent with a hundred dollar bill in Madison, maybe I should move there.