I've still been on an emotional roller coaster pretty much all week, sigh. I was reasonably functional at work, helped along by getting a particularly good raise this year. This coming week is going to be pretty quiet, which gives me time to work on two tasks that are actually interesting (and one that isn't, but won't take long). I might also get caught up on a bunch of tedious but necessary corporate odds and ends, like downloading some software and backing things up before I get a new computer and the like.
The downside of not being overworked is having time to obsess about Robert. The short version is that, despite all the evidence, I have always somehow believed that there is some happy ending for us. When things are going well, it just feels like we're meant to be together. I feel like other people can look at us walking down the street and think how sweet it is that there's a middle-aged couple who are still so much in love.
And then there are times like last weekend, when it feels like our entire relationship is just sex and small talk. Good sex, mind you, though not perfect. (I know how to make it perfect for me, but the one time I suggested it, his reaction made it clear that I shouldn't suggest it again. Actually, there's another thing, too, but he also ignored it when I brought that up. How's all that for oblique?) As for small talk, maybe I just don't know what other people in long-term relationships talk about. But I feel like he doesn't let me in enough and, while I can dismiss it as the usual "men have trouble with intimacy" thing (and, more specifically, Robert's desire to avoid anything unpleasant), that doesn't help.
After 19 and a half years, we should be able to read each other better.
At any rate, I did get a lot of stuff done at home this week, but I did so in between crying jags and attempts to distract myself. What I probably needed most was just a good walk, but I didn't get that in until today and, even then, it was inadvertent. See, part of my distracting myself was by renting a few movies. (On that note, I liked both Pieces of April and Calendar Girls a great deal, though the former got me all teary again. I was annoyed by Super Size Me, which I found unconvincing polemic.) So this morning, I set out to run a few errands, the first of which was returning the videos. I drove to Blockbuster, put the movies in the return slot, and went back to my car (which I'd locked out of force of habit), only to find that the car key was not in the pocket of my bag where it belongs. And, in fact, I could see the key, lying on the car seat. I was less than a mile from home, so I did the simple thing and walked home, got the spare key, and walked back. It's a good thing I was dressed warmly and, actually, the walk did more to make me feel better than all my attempts to distract myself had.
Copyright 2004 Miriam H. Nadel